Dealing with the Darkness

More than a Bad Day

When I posted my last blog, I was struggling with a bad day.  The simplicity of the post helped me accomplish the goal of the day.  Unfortunately, for the rest of the day, I was frozen at the edge of my metaphorical cliff, fighting the desire to jump.  I didn't eat or drink anything until the late afternoon/early evening.  My mind was at war with itself. 

Coping With Dark Thoughts

AI Image Generated on Project Camus
by Lokilani Raiyne

As the day progressed, I did my best to use the strategies to cope with it all.  All you would see when looking at me was tears, but in my head, I was in a rage.  Much like this image I generated in my Visualization Journal.

The things I did were:

• Cry
• Sleep
• Listen to my Depression Playlist
• This lets my family know where I'm at mentally because some songs will signify the severity of my depression.
• Wrote a Poem
• Journal entry

 I was preparing a blog post for yesterday, but it quickly turned into a journal entry.  I was able to pinpoint a part of my episode.  However, I was unable to continue because I knew I wasn't ready to face it.

Yesterday, there was no blog post because I chose to skip it for my mental health and healing.  It was also my husband's birthday, so I gave him time.  We watched shows all day, and it was great!  Today, we celebrated with lunch, but it was a quiet date.  We heard a close family member of his passed, so I did what I could to make him laugh and smile.  At this moment (as I write this), he is taking time for himself.  

I'm still experiencing a low episode, but I have enough strength to support him.  He is always there for me when I'm down, and I'm there for him.  Sometimes we are both dealing with darkness, but we can always bring each other back to the light.

The Poem

Hiding Me

Every day, I smile in public

I smile for the world to see

Calm, cool, collected - on the outside

Nobody sees what's inside of me

Inside the depths of my mind

Things I hide from myself

Pretending like all is well

Lying that I'm not in Hell

In my mind, I scream

Raging, Breaking, Dying

Hating all that I am

Fighting the tears from falling

Mentally causing more pain

Wanting to show it on my skin

Haircuts, makeup, piercings, and tattoos

Pretending, in life, I win

So long since I've found peace

I want to give up everything

Feeling like I deserve none of it

Because I feel like NOTHING

I'm so tired

I've been tired for years

I've hid it so well

Not many have seen my tears

The strength is gone

I am weak

Let the monsters win

I'm so tired of hiding me