What happened to me in 2023?

Reflecting on 2023

I planned on posting this reflection during the week I was sick.  I even started it, but I forgot to save the draft.  It's not a big deal because it just means (to me) that it wasn't the right time to post it - or even prepare it.  I went through so many challenges and changes last year that I've become someone stronger.  At least, that's what I'd like to think.  There are times I feel like the strong woman I portray is only a facade to hide the insecure girl that hides within.

January - March

I started the year with confidence.  I was ready to make the memories with my family, and forget about societal expectations and "norms."  Okay - so that was my excuse to get my navel pierced for a third time.  I had it done twice before.  The first time I had it done, I found out I was pregnant shortly after.  It wasn't even fully healed.  The second time, I was able to let it heal and keep it for a few years.  When I got pregnant with son number 2, I decided to wait until I was done having children.  A few months after my last was born, I got my tubes tied to be sure I'd have no more children (that's a blog for another time).  I was feeling great!  My husband even got our date out for his birthday!

In February, my husband and I attended a masquerade event for a Lupercalia festival (Valentine's Ball).  There was a contest for best dressed, so I decided to wear my wedding dress.  My husband was for it!  Man!  I forgot how hard it was to put that on!  I wish I could say we won the contest, but that would be a lie.  We did not win, but we met some nice people that night.  Shortly aftter the evening ended, I was triggered emotionally, and it caused me emotionally in ways I didn't think was possible.  I gave myself the space to heal from it.  It took a while, but it wasn't easy.

March was great!  I was able to watch my second son participate in the Special Olympics playing basketball.  That touched my heart because my family loves basketball.  I grew up watching my dad and my brother play.  My husband also plays.  This event sparked Trip's interest.

April - June

I did a thing in April that was adventurous for me.  I got two new piercings, but I'm honestly not sure if it was the desire to or if I was dealing with mental battles.  I use tattoos and piercings as ways to control the pain I feel.  It's equivilant to cutting myself, but in an acceptable form for society. 

In May, my mom came home from the Philippines to visit.  It was fun having her home.  We didn't always get along, but the relationship has grown and changed over the years.  I love my mom.  She's the only one I've got.

In June, I hit the lowest point I never thought I would.  I had a mental breadown, and I broke completely.  I went to the Emergency Room to get help because of the suicidal ideation.  I've been able to fight them before.  I ended having an emergency plan for those times.  Honestly, this breakdown wasn't the first time, but it was the first time I checked into a Psych Ward.  Those few days changed me.  I grew a closer relationship to my mom.  I learned more about myself.  I even met some awesome people in there.  I hope they are doing well.  Before my mom went back to the Philippines,  I was able to surprise her with a custom cake.  I made her cry happy tears.

July - September

These months were honestly a blur.  I don't remember much, but the photo above is one of the times I came home with a massive migraine.  Jojo, my oldest, made dinner and handled his brothers, so I could rest and his dad could rest before going into work.  My husband and I work opposite shifts.

In September, it was Dice's birthday (son number 3).  I think that was the last time we went out as a family to celebrate.  We go to Red Robin and Build-a-Bear.  It was a fund day.  Still, everything blurred after June.

October - December

There isn't much to say about the last three months.  I turned 41, which was hard for me, because it's also my father's death anniversary.  My husband started working seven days a week to help cover the staff shortage.  Rory, Jojo's fiance, also celebrated her birthday, but we celebrated late together.

November is when things went crazy.  I had a hard time celebrating Gucci's (my youngest son) birthday because of Covid.  Then I got the concussion.  Since then, it's been difficult adjusting.

December was not the way I'd hope it would be, but it was great anyway.  My mother-in-law was visiting and the boys had a great time with her.  I felt bad because I wass down more than I was up.

Wrapping Up the Year

I'm learning to adjust to the changes I have to make.  I've learned who is really in my corner when I'm struggling.  I received more support from those I least expected.  Some of the ones I thought would be in my corner were not.  I'm learning to set and maintain boundaries.  Even as I adjust to everything, and start doubting if there's something wrong, I'm met with a harsh reminder that I have to slow down and be more mindful of my movements.

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